How I Met Your Squirrel Mother
by vader13289
Summary: Written by BrokenPotatoMan, How I Met Your Squirrel Mother is a sad story about romance and stuff. Rated M for Millions of Plot-Holes.
1. Part 1

The date is March 19, 2017

I walked into a local pub and ordered a Tide pod smoothie with a hint of bleach, then that angle entered the pub…man, oh man she was fine looking. My heart began to beat rapidly. She looked at me and my face froze, and my heart popped. I fell to the ground, I no longer had a heart well because it popped. The bartender looked at me and lowered his head to mine.

"Baddabopbaba…"

. . .

I woke up in the hospital…

She stood there, just staring at me. I almost cried, she was beautiful. She looked at me funny.

"What's your name?"

"Uh, Sh-Shrek." I stammered.

"I like that name…so um, my boyfriend saved you… I mean he gave you his heart, because he has like 15 hearts or something…ha ha." She said nervously.

Then a yellow sponge walked into the room.

"Sandy get out of here please…" He asked.

"But I want to see him… I mean it- "

"GET OUT!" He yelled he grabbed her wrist and jack slapped her across the face, forcing her to the ground.

As she was sitting on the floor with her knees and tears in her eyes, she got up holding the right side of her face and ran off out the door. The sponge walked to my bed I laid on.

"Girls right…" He laughed.

I sighed. This monster had to be killed…but how. As the sponge kept on talking I screamed. He ran to me, I pretended to be dead. Once he got to my "dead" body I rapped my legs around his neck and began to squeeze, this would cut off his ability to breathe, he started to gasp and gag.

"Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang…" I whispered.

His eyes started to roll into the back of this head.

"Spent 10 racks on a new chain…"

It had been done…he was dead…

A nurse rushed in, she screamed in fear. She ran out the door but followed. She barely got 2 feet before I got to her, I grabbed her head and started to compress it.

"Ogres have layers!" I screamed. "Ogres have layers…"

I dropped the dead corpse onto the ground. A doctor saw me and ran. I didn't follow this one…he looked lazy. Moments later a security guard armed with a handgun yelled commands to me. I simply looked at him, he began to cry, slowly at first but then it grew louder and louder. He fell to his knees, his eyes bled rapidly. It only took seconds before he bled out. I took his handgun and ran down the stairs. Many patients and staff screamed as they saw a half-naked ogre run through the halls with a pistol. That's when I saw her, she sat crying on the curb. But a S.W.A.T team member grabbed her wrist and urged her to leave. She seemed scared, so I fired at the S.W.A.T guy. He fell to the ground. The squirrel looked at me, she mouthed the words "I love you…" I smiled…

Another S.W.A.T team member ran to her, this time she kicked his shin and then broke his neck. She ran to me, she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me.

"Let's go kick some butt…" She smiled, while grabbing the dead S.W.A.T guards' gun.

"And after that it was all history"

THE END


	2. Part 2

After the big shoot-out at the hospital, I took the girl to my swamp.

"Wow!" She Smiled. "This is the best place I have ever seen!"

I smiled back at her, we went inside my home. She sniffed the air and giggled, I was never sure why she did that. I sat on my chair and sighed. She asked if she could turn on the radio. I let her, she flipped through some station most were static. She finally found a good station the song playing was "Rockstar" by Post Malone. She smiled.

"Shrek…I've never met such an interesting man as yourself."

"Well, you're the most interesting woman I have ever met." I returned with a smile.

"I be feeling like a Rockstar…" The radio blared.

She walked to me. "I have a name you know? It's Sandy…Sandy Cheeks."

"Well, Sandy Cheeks…how's about we find about more about you." I laughed.

"Well, what do you want to know?" She asked sitting on a sofa and taking off her jacket which revealed a bright blue shirt which read "We Are Number One!"

"Where are you from?" I asked.

"From Bikini Bottom." She grinned.

She then got up when the song switched to Gucci Gang by Lil Pump. She came up to me.

"Come on lazy let's dance!" She laughed.

Once we started to dance she grabbed my face, she then proceeded to kiss me. When the chorus came on I felt a sharp pain in my ribs. I looked down. I knife stuck in my chest. She came close to my ear.

"Gucci Gang Gucci Gang Gucci Gang…" She whispered.

I felt my life fade…I was dying.

"Spent 10 racks on a new chain…"

I fell to the ground. Was I dead?

The End


	3. Part 3

How I Met Your Squirrel Mother 3

I awoke in a laundry mat, a green ogre as myself stood there. Wait was this Fiona, the woman that left me and took the kids?

"Fiona?" I asked

Her face became evil, she knew I awoke. She grabbed me by the neck and threw me in a dryer.

"You scumbag, you left the kids too me and do you know the pain and time you kids went through?" She yelled.

"One, where are they it's night time. Two, how did you get in here it's closed. Three Why am I here. And four, you were the one who left me!"

"Well mister, your kids are 26 years old, they have they're own life. I work here. In my laundry mat. And finally, Because you a slob!"

I got out of the dryer, she gave me a pack of bandages.

"You'll need this" She said

"But I got some in my house."

"Shrek listen that woman burnt your house down and took anything remotely expensive."

I got mad and punched a washer.

"You got any bleach?" I asked

"I thought you said you stopped…" She said disappointed

I grabbed some off a shelf and downed what was left of it. I began to leave.

"Tell the kids I miss them" I said leaving.

I felt my chest, warm…probably from the blood. I sat at the curb and pulled out my bandages and reapplied them to my ribs. I got up, I knew where I was going the place, she said she lived…

I went to the only place she could be a tree dome…

I punched the glass water rapidly flushed into it. She ran out the tree weary astronaut suit. She saw me, she ran back inside. I followed, as soon as I got in, I was met with her shooting a sawed-off shotgun at me. I barley dodged in time. I took cover in a room. I had nowhere to go. So, I charged her knocking her to her butt. I grabbed the weapon and threw it away from us.

"Wait, Shrek! I'm so, so sorry!"

She hugged me, and all my anger left me…

2 years later

"And that kids is how I met mom!"

"I love that story." One of their kids said.

The others agreed.

Sandy walked "Cookies are are done!"

The kids flooded the kitchen. Shrek hugged her "I love you…"

"I love you too…" she grinned.

The End

 **P.S. None of this is canon**

 **-Vader13289**


End file.
